Murder Your Way to Success in 5 Easy Steps

In 1492, Columbus sailed the blue ocean.

He was sent by the royalty of Spain to find gold in Asia. Instead, he found the Bahamas, which is not gold, but still pretty awesome. Well, tomorrow is Columbus Day, so let’s dig a little deeper into how Columbus did his tricks…

His crew consisted of three ships full of Popeyes, and the first person to spot land was supposed to win a yearly boat-load of Spanish moolah for life. Some nobody named Rodrigo supposedly spotted the beach first, but screw that guy. Columbus just said that he already saw it last night, and claimed the prize. Teamwork!

STEP 1: BE SELFISH

In order to lead your team to victory, you must look out for yourself first and foremost. If you are not taken care of, then how can you take care of anyone else? Be the CEO that makes 3000 times as much as everyone in the company combined. Feed those dogs your scraps. Or don’t feed them at all! They’ll live. (or die)

When Columbus and his miscreant goons arrived at the island, the natives awed at his giant wooden boat (not a euphemism) and welcomed his crew with open arms and free gifts. Columbus thought it was hilarious that they had no weapons, and decided that it would be a piece of cake to turn them all into servants.

STEP 2: TAKE KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS

If some pathetic sucker offers to buy you lunch, order everything on the menu, then throw it all in the trash. That’ll show ’em whose the best!

You can really prove your dominance by bitch-smacking them in the face. If they turn the other cheek, blast them with a right hook! The more bloody teeth they spit out, the more they will respect you, guaranteed.

As Christopher drifted from island to island, he wrote home, lying to the king and queen about how much gold he found (none) and explaining how awesome it was that the natives were so giving. Not that he was grateful by any means, but he was just happy that they’d give up any possession he asked for, those chumps. Of course, the stupid king and queen believed him, because there was no Internet. They were both like, “How about we send you a bunch of ships full of greasy henchmen, and you send us gold and slaves?” To which Columbus replied, “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”, probably via bird-messenger. Check out also this post that describes how a fine St. Patrick’s Day Parade was set up in 2016 in Bellport, New York.

STEP 3: LIE TO AUTHORITY

It’s important that you shit all over anyone who thinks they have power over you. The best way to to do this is to pretend like you are looking out for their best interest, while actually just keeping them lost in the dark by feeding them a constant stream of misinformation. Authority figures like to take credit for the accomplishments of those underneath them (I know I do!). Make empty promises, so that they will brag about shit that never happened. If they’re going to lie about who did what, you might as well too. Eventually, they will be discovered and probably hung or something.

Since there was no gold, Columbus decided to just enslave the natives and chop their hands off every time they didn’t give him cool stuff, which was every time. There was no cool stuff in the first place, so he and his crew massacred the living shit out of everyone instead.

STEP 4: SET UNREALISTIC GOALS AND PUNISH FAILURE

As a leader, it’s your job to force your subordinates to do things that you could never do yourself. An archer must aim higher than his target, but you can just buy a gun and aim directly at yours! Your target is your team, and their target is whatever you want it to be. Instruct them to “take over the moon” or “cure death”. Doesn’t matter, as long as the goal is vague and unattainable, failure is inevitable, and punishment is extreme and inappropriate.

Columbus continued being a dipshit, traveling back and forth from Spain to the Americas, slaughtering everyone, including his own people, and enslaving everyone else. He eventually died a horrible, prolonged, and deserved death, and now we can honor him with his own holiday parades every year, because who cares. Read also this interesting article about the forgotten campaign in the wake of Andrew Jackson. 

STEP 5: DIE A MARTYR

Happy Columbus day, everyone!